Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Step One: Admitting you have a problem

Why did i just say that? I should just shut up. I never think. I am such and idiot. Those are the thoughts that seem to run in the back on of my mind. I know they aren't rational but the way my mind works doesn't seem rational ever. Im somewhat ocd and very much insecure. I may appear like a happy, confident person but inside im a little boy just looking for acceptence. To help me through life I have adopted the motto "Keep Moving Forward". It is a quote from Walt Disney a man who i truely admire. I wear two bracelets that say this to help me every day. For the mose part it does and it helps me to stay positive.

Positive... that's always been difficult for me. I have a tendancy to dwell on the bad and never see the good that is in my life. I run on fumes for the majority of the year and the summer seems to crawl by, so i start to think... a lot. Last summer I let the negative take control of my life and took a very destructive path that i regret. But I have learned from my mistakes and my life got better. I have the support of a great family and an amazing best friend. Without him who knows where I would be. Through out the year I have grown really close to a great group of friends. They are my rock and help me everyday whether they realize it or not.

Last week I had a huge awakening, one that has improved my life ten fold. I was in a rut. Everything in my life seemed bad, i was out of money and I was teetering on the edge of losing someone very close to me. It took a huge mistake on my part and the fight that ensued to make me realize how great I had it. I pushed away the negativity and embraced the simple beauties in life. It opened my eyes to this, I am happy, I really am.

I put on a facade everyday, one of a sarcastic, smart ass, ornery person to keep people just far enough away so that I don't get hurt. But in the end, Im the only one that has hurt myself. I am going to be honest with myself and everyone around me and start opening up and showing people who I really am. This blog will be my progress at achieving true happiness with who I am with the love and support of those around me. I know it is sporadic and seems like ramblings but thats what it is so don't judge. It is a way to get my thoughts out and make myself a better person one day at a time. Wish me Luck!!!