Thursday, October 28, 2010

One day at a time

I am not a perfect person. Hard to believe I know but it is very true. I have never claimed to be one either. Being the type of person I am when one of my many faults is made apparent to me, I try to do two thinks. Ignore the problem or fix it. I would rather choose the running away method but that really hasn't gotten me anywhere in life this far. So I am going to fix it! Not a quick fix either. It will take time and a lot of work mentally on my part but most of all it will take patience, which coincidentally is what I need the most work on right now.

Tonight was a big wake up call for me. I realized how much I let small things ruin my day and in turn ruin those around me. I knew today was going to be a little unpleasant to say the least. Its the last day of school before Halloween at the elementary and that means classroom parties. It is the messiest day of the year and can be rather long. Luckily we also have Friday to clean as well. This year the PTA hosted a Halloween carnival for all of the kiddies. Instead of seeing the good it meant for the kids I just let myself get bitter that I had to deal with it. The thing is, there wasn't much to deal with. I let the fact that I wanted to be upset and my own headache take over my emotions and I was just mean. I should have taken the time to go in happy, because I was on the ride to work. All in all it was not a bad Halloween for the school. Sadly there have been worse. The point is I let a couple comments made and the idea that today would suck because of work control my day. I do that quite often and I really need to stop. I have two great jobs, that at times are stressful but really are not bad jobs. If they were I would have quit years ago. I should have looked forward to spending time with my friends tonight and enjoyed the time with them but I obviously took the opposite path and was a jerk all day.

What should have happened is as I left the school my bad attitude should have stayed with the building. But that wasn't the case. The moment my friends got in the car i was snippy and short tempered. Things that they do not deserve. Taylor, Lisha and Kelcee are some of the best friends anyone could ask for. I would be lost without them. I want to be their friends but tonight I sounded like their enemy. Under Construction was amazing. One of the better shows I have seen. After the show I let one little incident push me over the edge and I yelled at this three friends that I love and let a whole days worth of bitterness(I'm a bitter, petty person so a whole day of it can be a lot from me. Something else I need to work on) out on them. Did they deserve it? Not in a million years. Should I get treated the same way? In this case yes. I should have gotten a swift kick in the butt to wake me up but it came to late and I freaked out. I'm so sorry about what happened. I have felt sick ever since and have been on the verge of tears.

The thing is I deserve it. I deserve the feelings of being alone and sickness tonight. I have a lot of reevaluating to do with my attitude towards my friends, family and everyone I come in contact with. I am not the only person with problems in my life, a lot of people have much bigger things going on and they still treat people with the respect they deserve. I have been focusing on the negative and not enough on the positive. My life is great. I have an amazing family and the best friends in the world and that's a fact. I cannot go wrong with them beside me. I am so sorry to everyone I treat bad. I have forgotten about what really matters in life and how much I truly have. Not in material possessions but in love and support. I am sorry that I blew up on you Tay, Lisha and Kelcee. I love you guys. I will somehow learn to be more patient and understanding and remember to listen and pay attention to when others really need you. I'm sorry you had to read that boring recount of my Thursday evening but surprisingly some good came from tonight. To everyone I've mentioned in this message I do love you all. Thank you for being my friends and family. I would change you for the world. I will keep moving forward at bettering myself one day at a time. I will be patient with you if you will be patient with me.


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Step One: Admitting you have a problem

Why did i just say that? I should just shut up. I never think. I am such and idiot. Those are the thoughts that seem to run in the back on of my mind. I know they aren't rational but the way my mind works doesn't seem rational ever. Im somewhat ocd and very much insecure. I may appear like a happy, confident person but inside im a little boy just looking for acceptence. To help me through life I have adopted the motto "Keep Moving Forward". It is a quote from Walt Disney a man who i truely admire. I wear two bracelets that say this to help me every day. For the mose part it does and it helps me to stay positive.

Positive... that's always been difficult for me. I have a tendancy to dwell on the bad and never see the good that is in my life. I run on fumes for the majority of the year and the summer seems to crawl by, so i start to think... a lot. Last summer I let the negative take control of my life and took a very destructive path that i regret. But I have learned from my mistakes and my life got better. I have the support of a great family and an amazing best friend. Without him who knows where I would be. Through out the year I have grown really close to a great group of friends. They are my rock and help me everyday whether they realize it or not.

Last week I had a huge awakening, one that has improved my life ten fold. I was in a rut. Everything in my life seemed bad, i was out of money and I was teetering on the edge of losing someone very close to me. It took a huge mistake on my part and the fight that ensued to make me realize how great I had it. I pushed away the negativity and embraced the simple beauties in life. It opened my eyes to this, I am happy, I really am.

I put on a facade everyday, one of a sarcastic, smart ass, ornery person to keep people just far enough away so that I don't get hurt. But in the end, Im the only one that has hurt myself. I am going to be honest with myself and everyone around me and start opening up and showing people who I really am. This blog will be my progress at achieving true happiness with who I am with the love and support of those around me. I know it is sporadic and seems like ramblings but thats what it is so don't judge. It is a way to get my thoughts out and make myself a better person one day at a time. Wish me Luck!!!